The second step

Let's start with a poem:

Here lies the body of Samuel May
Who died defending his right of way.
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong!

Recently I heard the news that a friend of mine has been receiving some unbelievably horrible e-mails from his former Rabbi, who I shall call Ben Shlomo. Since I consider myself to be quite close to both parties, it has made me think about what could be motivating Ben Shlomo. Specifically, what is it that people love more than life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, sex, football, and the Halachah, that they should send rude e-mails to each other? The answer is; being right. If it didn't matter to us whether we were right or wrong, we would not spend so much energy or make ourselves look so foolish justifying our own position.

My previous post dealt with the first step to peace. This is the second: you can choose to acknowledge that there is something you do not understand about God and about life, the understanding of which will change everything. To be in a position to make that acknowledgement, you have to agree that you are not always right. That takes great humility, as it involves overcoming the universally held belief that we are the ones with all the answers.

If one set of opinions were correct, we would be able to see clear evidence that those who follow those opinions lead happier, more productive, and more fulfilled lives than those that don't. There is no such evidence. Indeed, it is impossible for the world to exist without differences of opinion. If we all thought the same, there would be no inventions, no new ideas, and no progress. The challenge is to manage the differences. That is not achieved by trying to force us to conform.

Experience has taught me that you get much further in your relationships by dropping the expectations and allowing the other party to be what he/she will be, than by arguing. Truly fulfilled lives, as well as real peace, are enjoyed by those who have learned that lesson.

The other issue is to be prepared to change. If you want everything to stay the way it is, you simply carry on being whatever you have always been. Most if not all of us claim to be unhappy with how things are, and say they want them to improve. Unless we change ourselves, nothing will happen. If there is something going on that you don't like, the first thing you must ask is what are you doing to perpetuate it.

Take youth crime for example: there's a huge hue and cry going on at present about a boy who was stabbed to death. The facts appear to be that he was out drinking with his friends to celebrate the end of exams until 2 a.m., despite the fact that he was two years under the legal age to buy alcohol. Why wasn't he with his family, why did they let him out so late, and where did he get the money for the night out? As far as I can see, we have reneged on our responsibilities to care for our children, and we are letting the gangs care for them instead. Unless family members learn to love one another and take responsibility for one another's well-being instead of letting them roam the streets, tragedies of this kind will keep happening. It is a spiritual issue. Treating it as a matter of law enforcement misses the point.

If we want a situation where everybody is fighting everyone else, we will carry on fighting. If we decide that we will be peaceful people regardless of circumstances, we will do peaceful things, and eventually we will get peace. If we want to halt a vicious circle, we have to step out of the circle and rethink our behaviour patterns. Whatever we are doing to everyone else, we are doing to ourselves.   

My opinions on anything are subject to change. My love for you will not change.

Simcha Handley
London, 2nd July 2008 (Rosh Chodesh Tammuz 5758)